on being pregnant...
It feels weird to still announce or tell anyone that yes, I am, in fact, pregnant. I have hated every single second of it. My husband and I had talked about wanting kids many times and I never wanted to be the one to have the kid, but in terms of what's the most affordable way for us to have one... well, doing it myself was the cheapest. Adoption is so expensive and adoption through the government agency feels like stealing kids who actually want to be with their parents, so... here we are.
I have had so many annoying, awful symptoms already. The first trimester I basically spent living on the couch or bed. I was so nauseous and so exhausted I could barely do anything. I couldn't even enjoy Christmas breakfast because the food smells set me off. Going grocery shopping was an absolute nightmare - any strong scents would immediately make me feel so sick I had to cover my nose and walk away. Sometimes this is still a problem.
Now firmly in the second trimester, my most annoying symptoms, besides blowing up like a balloon, are: constant and painful acid reflux/heartburn/indigestion, days where I'm still bedridden from nausea, not being able to walk for more than a mile without feeling like I'm dying, struggling to bend down and pick things up from the floor, constant congestion (yes, a real symptom!), pregnancy insomnia (and nothing fucking works for this), and lots of random aches and pains. I cannot believe any woman chooses to go through this more than once.
I've been ready for this baby to pop out since day fucking one. I hate feeling like my body doesn't even belong to me. I am a daily regiment of so many vitamins and supplements, I feel like one of those freaks who think they can defeat aging.
Not to mention, I feel like I've never been busier? I am constantly going to appointments with my midwife, going to ultrasounds, going to classes on labor support and newborn care, going to prenatal yoga at least twice a week, all while STILL working full time at my job AND being in classes full time. Yes, those classes are online, but they haven't been any less frustrating this semester. I also go to therapy in person once a week and I'm about to start a second job!
Sometimes I feel like I can't do this, it all feels like way too much. I know other people have done more or worse and gotten by, but I feel like this is too much FOR ME. And I'm finally gonna let myself say that and admit it, because it is! I'm fucking tired! I hate being pregnant! I am pregnancy's number one hater!! I can't wait for this to end. But wow, I'm not really ready to be responsible for a tiny human either...