on grief
Today is the four year anniversary of losing one of my best friends. Yay, another sad girl blog post two times in a row! But it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!
The hardest thing about it all is that the circumstances around his death are... well, nebulous. I don't really know if it was on purpose or not. He dealt with demons, he was a depressed person. I've found comfort over these few years in assuming it was on purpose. I think it would hurt so much more if it really was an accident.
Thinking, or assuming, it's on purpose... at least I can try to find peace that it's because he wanted it and not because some freak incident took him away from us. I can imagine he's finally resting and not in a lot of mental anguish anymore.
All of that to say, it doesn't really get any easier. Of course, the popular saying "time heals all wounds" is repeated for a reason. I don't feel healed though. There is before you lose someone and then after you lose someone, and that pain never really goes away. It just gets easier to get through the days without crying nonstop.
I miss him so much and I still beat myself up because I didn't reach out in the weeks before his death like I kept meaning to. It's so hard not to release that guilt. I just wish I had talked to him one more time. But I'm also so so so grateful we made amends months before this happened. I cannot imagine how much worse I would feel about everything if we hadn't been able to come together as friends again.
I really hope he is at peace. I selfishly wish he was still here.